Fundamentals of The Portable Grease Stove

For some of the wanderers, the first fundamental of the portable grease stove is not unrelated to that prophesy of the Book of Revelations: "Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird."  And more to the point, at the end of said chapter 18: "And in her was found the blood of prophets, and of saints, and of all that were slain upon the earth."

Besides avoiding the distractions of commerce or servitude to unworthy masters, as the disciples of all the great wanderers do, many of the wanderers recognize the unclean city perfectly fulfilled in SPU, in which was found the blood of all that were slain.  This vow of poverty, this wandering is not a lighthearted thing, but a solemn attempt to avoid any share of responsibility for spilling the blood of the just.  Or of the unjust, for that matter.  To a certain extent this fundamental realization impels the wanderers to avoid the acquisition of SPU-produced goods, particularly with SPU-controlled money, and to rely instead on what can be gathered from the earth without provoking the possessive defenses of the unenlightened, and without any thievery or fraud. To emulate the sparrows, as it were.  In a word, to scavenge.

The second fundamental is more mundane: cooked food is good for you, particularly when wandering in populated areas of industrial or post-industrial societies, when the food bag holds items that cannot safely be eaten raw or easily cleaned, or when warm food or tea is needed to fend off the cold.  Some means of cooking is essential to the wanderers enduring over the long haul.  Cooking over an open fire often does not fit the bill, solar stoves are bulky and mostly useless, and gasoline, kerosene or propane stoves, while quite useful, require the handling of noxious fluids or heavy bottles; and worse, the regular use of money.   A cooking means should if possible be fashioned from scavaged flotsam, not purchased in a store, and must be compact and lightweight.  It should consume a fuel that is energy dense, relatively clean and safe to  handle, and most importantly readily obtainable everywhere without the use of money.  It should burn hot enough to cook a healthy mess of stew in a reasonable period of time, without burning too brightly and attracting unwanted attention, and preferably without leaving a lot of soot on the pot.  It might seem impossible that such a fantastic device could exist.  For a long time, it didn't.  And then a wanderer invented a portable grease stove, which looked a little like this:

Partial Breakaway View of a Grease Stove (Not To Scale, Pressurized Air Supply Omitted)

The body of the stove can be constructed from an empty soup can.  For portability, a largish can about four inches in diameter and six inches high works well; the exact dimensions are unimportant.  A hole to match an available scrap metal tube about one-quarter to three-eighths inch in diameter is made in the side of the can about one-third of the way up from the bottom, using the awl of a "Swiss army" knife or similar tool.  A strip of cardboard is cut about as long as the inner circumference of the can and narrow enough to fit comfortably below the hole made in its side.  A cotton rag, such as from an old T-shirt, is wrapped around the strip and the assembled rag-strip is curled to a circular shape and inserted to rest inside the can below the hole.  A grill for supporting the pot is fashioned from any available metal; if not available, a few blocks or rocks can be arranged around the can to support a pot.  The stove can be charged with about a half cup of old fryer grease scavenged from behind any donut shop or fast food joint, and it then is almost ready for use.

The rag-strip can be lit and will function as the wick of a rather large candle.  It is entirely unsuitable for cooking, as such, even if numerous ventilation holes are made in the side of the can.  With air holes, the wick will remain lit, but will not burn hot and will produce too much soot.  To render it useful, a gentle, steady stream of air must be blown through a tube inserted through the hole in the side of the can.  A little experimentation with the rate of flow will transform the smoky, sooty combustion in the can into a much hotter, bluish, nearly smokeless fire.  If the grease was obtained from a donut shack, it will smell faintly of vanilla.  It works wonderfully for cooking, and the half cup of grease will last for a half hour or so -- long enough to cook a fairly healthy portion of stew for a small gathering of wanderers.  The bottom of the pot will be coated with oil, but little soot, so clean-up is easy.

The difficulty is the supply of lightly pressurized air.  A bladder such as an old latex glove (often found in the trash wherever SPU checkpoints are placed) works wonderfully as an air reservoir.  An adjustment valve can be jury rigged from whatever is available, or, with luck, scavenged from discarded plumbing of some kind.  The adjustment valve is placed in the tubing between the can and the air reservoir to control the rate of air flow.  Constructing or finding an adjustment valve may pose a  minor challenge, but one easily solved by the resourceful wanderer.  The real technical  challenge to this stove is keeping the air reservoir inflated, without requiring the cook's assistant (if one is even available) to manually apply her lungs and lips to the job all the while the food is cooking.  The manual approach might do in a dire emergency, but is entirely too bothersome for everyday use.  To make the grease stove actually useful without an industrial air supply, another invention of the wanderers is needed.  That will be discussed in a subsequent posting, if there is sufficient interest in it.

The Incarnation of Smudge

In the land of Teerakmurai (tea-rack-mirror-eye, "mirror" pronounced quickly as a single syllable, accents on tea and mirror), once lived a girl who had accumulated, by the end of her life, more names than she could remember.  Truthfully, she just didn't keep score, and the Board is not inclined to chase down the official records. But the number of her names was more than one can count on one hand, or even on two.  The number was extraordinarily high by any standard, so much so that some members of the Board have referred to her as the Girl of A Thousand Names (probably an exaggeration), or for short, Polyname. 

In Teerakmurai, names are handed out somewhat like titles in the West, to address the uneasiness that adults feel with their station in life from time to time.  In the West, a person might endeavor to change her title from "chief bottle washer" to "understudy to the Nubian princess" or such like, with the expectation that the change in title will be accompanied by corresponding changes in career responsibilities.  But in Teerakmurai, names are changed by the naming authority upon request without any change in worldly responsibilities.  A certificate is issued, listing the old name and the new, the new name is added to the register, and life goes on.  

The certified name is used primarily for official purposes, and the person retains an informal name for daily use, usually assigned by the parents shortly after birth.  The Terakmuraiians believe that the spirits that influence the destinies of the living will take notice of the official name, because it is the name chanted by the monks during supplications at the temples, the name spoken to the soothsayers while possessed by these spirits, the name written on prayer sheets and burned with incense.  And not least of all, the name by which one is known to the King.  Not personally for most subjects, of course, but to the minions and mandarins of his regime attending the business and ceremonies of state.    So it is widely believed that the official name taken bears heavily on one's fortunes and destiny.  In comparison the informal name is unknown and unused except in social intercourse with one's circle of family, friends, neighbors and so forth.

Polyname accumulated a great train of official names, because of a great train of disappointments and dashed hopes beginning in young adulthood.  Each new name was sought out, adopted and certified as each old name failed to produce the desired change in circumstances.  But from her incarnation she was known by her informal name of Smudge, or in the more literal translation "little dirt."

Smudge was born as the second and unplanned daughter to a young landless family at the lowest rung of the social order.  She was born about six weeks early to boot, a frail and tiny thing scarcely larger than a kilo bag of rice.  Yet another daughter, and particularly one in frail condition, was not a burden her father felt willing to bear.  In dramatic demonstration of his painful state of emotional affairs, he suddenly hurled her a second-story window one day not long after her birth, and she fell to the ground below.  Miraculously, or perhaps just luckily, she was unhurt.   It was the time of rains, so the ground was muddy, and the softness of the mud cushioned her fall.  Her grandmother found her covered in mud and wailing as loudly as a frail infant can, her mother having fainted dead away from the shock of witnessing her husband's unfathomable act of violence against the helpless infant.  Smudge's father had been well drunk with rice wine taken from the family's commercial stock, and fled in shame and rage from the scene.

The fall to the mud happened before Polyname had received her first name.  Plucked from the mud, she was cleansed by rinsing in rainwater from the family cistern, three times.  Her mother and grandmother carefully inspected her front and back, limbs and digits, and found no harm.  Not even a bruise could be found.  From then on she was called Smudge, in acknowledgement of the dirt cleaned from her that day, and to ward off any envious spirits.  Even then, she was notably beautiful, in an infantile way.  And after surviving the fall unharmed, she was known to be extraordinarily lucky, too.  Such attributes attract envy, it was feared.  Not that Smudge ever received any material things that would provoke much envy, as it turned out.  

But she did receive a gift of a non-material nature.  The story of Smudge's gift, and the chain of events that the unveiling of that gift set in motion, will be the subject of another post, or several. 

The Antichrist Writes In

The Antichrist, more commonly known as the Sovereign Peoples United (SPU), has written in.  The Board has received the Standard Letter from the Public Communications Bureau, which by itself is nothing to be alarmed about.  It is all but impossible that the Board would have been noticed by any of the SPU's non-robotic minions, at this early stage. And yet, the speed with which the Standard Letter was dispatched -- after only a few scattered posts by the Board -- is disconcerting.

The message reads in pertinent part:

Dear Publisher:

It has come to the attention of the Public Communications Bureau (PCB) that you are operating an unregistered Information Service (IS).  Although registration is not mandatory, IS operators are encouraged to register each IS with the PCB.  The benefits of registering your IS include automatic pre-publication review of all information placed on your IS for compliance with the SPU Directive for the Prevention of Offensive and Detrimental Speech (SPUD-PODS).  Content that is determined to be out of compliance with SPUD-PODS during pre-publication review will be automatically withheld from publication and securely impounded.

Except in extraordinary circumstances, the operators of registered Information Services will not be subject to penalties for any content that is withheld from publication due to non-compliance.  Such penalties may include, but are not limited to, the impounding of all IS content, whether compliant or not, forfeiture of assets related to publication of the IS, monetary restitution to any offended class or harmed governmental branch, mandatory SPUD-PODS re-orientation, and public participation in remedial social networking.  Operation of an unregistered IS may also subject the operator to annual taxes for the prevention of surplus income.

Content prohibited by GET-PODS may include, but is not limited to: (a) unfair criticism or other information tending to undermine public confidence in any SPU agency, affiliate, board, bureau or institution; (b) any information offensive to any protected class recognized by the Cultural Educational Bureau, including any class protected by race, ethnic origin, disability, gender, sexual orientation, religion, or political disadvantage; (c) any unauthorized publication of copyrighted content or discussion of protected ideas; (d) any information comprising or supporting any unregistered agreement, transaction, trade, or exchange; (e) any advice, opinion, or speculation of a nature requiring a professional or vocational license by the Board of Professions and Vocations; or (f) anything subject to censure at the discretion of the Director.

Register your Information Service today!

Etc., etc.,

Sincerely,

Etiawomb-be Matombenu
Director, Public Communications Bureau

This IS is, and long may it be.  The proliferation in unregistered Information Services since the Great Emancipation is a source of some comfort.  Minor transgressions of the Board are likely to be buried in the deluge of banalities springing up from its unregistered and unwashed peers.  Despite liberal use of AI agents and crowd-sourced sifters, the ever-expanding Eye-Net, and virtually unlimited processing power, the same imperfections of the physical realm that impose scarcity and suffering on the members of the Board also operate as a shield against total control by SPU.   Simply put, there are no shortages of eyes, ears and minds for hire, but trust and loyalty are in short supply.  And like any living entity, SPU is often preoccupied with getting its priorities in order, and so much the more as its power increases.


The Board is tax exempt, and does not intend to register.  The usual precautions will be observed.  Clarity will be sacrificed for the sake of security.  Names will be changed, narratives will be replaced by parables, and simple points will be obfuscated by complex blather. 

Directly accessing the Board should be avoided, and indirect channels for access exploited.  Anyone posting comments here should be assumed to be an agent of SPU or a fool.  Those being watched may do well to stay away entirely.

Now the work may begin.

Late At Night And Deep Under Water

The Board often conducts its business late at night and deep under water.  The sometimes placid surface of the waters conceals the busy activity of the Board beneath.

At one such meeting beneath a moonlit bay, fervent discussion of common questions confronting writers occupied the Board.  Impassioned debates concerning style, tone, plot, themes and devices heated an already stifling boardroom.  Alliances were made, broken, and reformed.  Votes were taken, some carrying motions and some defeating.

Of the resolutions surviving that night, the Board resolved to publish one, as follows:

Resolved: the Almuni Advisory Board shall endeavor to explain contemporary references that appear prominently in its publications as though they had occurred in the distant past and faded from public memory.  That is, to explain references that should not need explanation for most contemporary readers.  The timing and details of such explanations shall be left to the discretion of the Publishing Member, subject to oversight of the Board.

The Board, while conceding that explanations of commonly understood references will be be tedious for contemporary readers, believes such notes will enable greater understanding of the Board's messages in the far future.  Dear reader, you are forewarned.

About The University

There is of course no such institution as the University of The Wandering Brethren (UWB).  It is entirely fictional.  Any resemblances to actual institutions are merely coincidental, perhaps artfully or metaphorically so; and alternative meanings of acronyms are to be entirely disregarded.  For example, the fact that UWB also stands for "Under Water Baby," "Unidentified Whizzing Bombs," or "Ultimate Wizards of Bestiny" is to be entirely ignored.  "Bestiny," by the way, means "best destiny."

With the disclaimers out of the way, a bit of background is in order for any of the uninitiated or non-alumni who may happen to to stumble across this blog.   As for the alumni, you know who you are, and WELCOME!

The UWB like the grander universities of western civilizations is old and venerable, with many campuses located in the many places, where ever the Brethren were prone to wander.  The Board is not cognizant of all such campuses, nor could any human be.  The UWB keeps no official records; never has, and never will.  Such records are not exactly forbidden, but serve no purpose to the administrators of the University and are simply never kept.  The UWB owns no property of the sort for which recorded titles are necessary, and deals strictly on a cash basis.  There is no nefarious purpose behind the secrecy and rootlessness which with the UWB conducts its affairs.  It has simply preferred to avoid the entanglements of titled property and accumulated wealth as serving no purpose, much like the official records that it never keeps.  Naturally, the discretion with which the UWB carries out its affairs has sometimes served to protect its stakeholders from the predations of those who would do them harm.

Written records of the UWB are therefore sketchy, unofficial, and not to be trusted.  This blog is no exception; in fact, it makes no claim to be an official record of anything.  The Board, who are solely responsible for the grandiose title "Alumni Advisory Board," are not alumni of the UWB.  That the Board might presume to advise the alumni is laughable.  The most the Board can claim is an association with the UWB, by which some of their number have learned parts of the UWB's curriculum, but, sadly, have not achieved mastery of any part of it.  The Board could fairly be considered a sort of residue, human flotsam and jetsam rinsed to and fro in the surf of a lonely isle, while the alumni have passed on to greater things.  None of the Board are currently enrolled; enrollment would bar them participating in any unauthorized activities such as those leading to these words you read.

The UWB admits humans regardless of gender, and the use of "Brethren" is not meant to suggest any sort of "ism" based on gender or social constructs.

Having gone on a bit too long about the nature and habits of the UWB without providing any actual history, this entry may well be finished without providing so much as a single date.  The UWB is old, perhaps exactly as old as history itself.  The reader who guesses that if official records are not kept by the UWB, then dates would also be lacking: that reader guesses correctly.  Nonetheless there are a few dates of Ultimate Significance, and perhaps this post is best finished by providing one of them: Zero.

The Alumni Advisory Board

A few words about the Alumni Advisory Board (AAB) . . . few words should be needed.  There are no elected or appointed members.  Anyone can contribute to this board, and anything that the editor allows will be published.  Does the AAB exist independently of this forum?  A profound question, perhaps akin to the old saw about one hand clapping.

The sound of the AAB remains to be heard.  It is not expected that the alumni of the UWB will find any useful advice here.  The purpose of the AAB is not to advise the the alumni.  On the contrary!  The purpose is to set out those questions, narratives, pleas, complaints, mea culpas and such like items that the AAB may collect from its contributors wafting though the electronic ether of cyberspace.  With luck, some wiser soul will take note and write in with practical advice for impractical problems, wisdom for repairing foolish mistakes, powerful words for the weak, divinity for the damned, faith for the skeptical, skepticism for the gullible, or some other words worth hearing.

Failing that, perhaps the AAB will tell a story or two.

WELCOME!

Welcome to UWBAAB!  Check back later for enlightenment and advice from the Advisory Board.  This blog is currently being developed and the elves are busily preparing content at this very moment.  I can't wait!!!